The 4 Levels of Communication That Create Real Emotional Intimacy

Hello beautiful soul. Welcome back to Frequency of Love. I am Mistress Anna, and this is your space. Now take a deep breath with me.

Inhale. And exhale. Arrive here. Today I want to talk about something that almost every couple says they value, and almost no one practices the way they think they do.

Communication. In every places I went and I asked couples what they most want to improve in their relationship, the answer is almost always the same. We want to communicate better. And yet, when I sit with those same couples and listen to how they actually talk to each other, I notice something.

They are talking a lot. They are not actually communicating much. So today, we are going to look at what real communication is. The kind that creates emotional intimacy.

The kind that creates physical intimacy. Two people actually meeting each other kind of connection that almost everyone is hungry for. The soul to soul connection. Now, let me start with something that may sound obvious, but it’s rarely understood.

Communication is not the words. The words are the surface. They are the smallest part of what is actually being exchanged between two people in any moment. Underneath the words, there is tone.

There is timing. There is what is not said. There is the body, the eyes, the breath, the small movements that tell us in milliseconds whether the other person is present or absent, open or closed. In the work I do, I often say that the question is not are you talking?

The question is, are you arriving? Most of what passes for communication in long-term relationships is two people talking past each other from two different places. Both transmitting, neither receiving. Both performing the conversation, neither actually in it.

Now, real communication is different. A real communication is the moment one person actually arrives in front of another with what is true, and the other person actually receives it. That happens far less than we think. And I will tell you a story.

A man, 42, married for 15 years. A happy married couple from outside. They were articulate, they were intelligent, they had read the books. And they were lonely in the relationship.

And when I asked them what was missing, they could not say. They communicated, they had check-ins, they had weekly conversations about their schedules and their finances and their plans. Everything was on the surface working. But something underneath was empty.

What I noticed listening to them was this. They spoke to each other constantly about logistics. They almost never spoke to each other about what was alive in them. And I asked one question.

I asked him, “When was the last time you told her something true about yourself that she did not already know?” Now, he sat with that for a long time. And then very quietly he said, “I do not remember.” 15 years of conversation. And he could not remember the last time he had risked saying something new or something deep. And that was not because the relationship was broken.

It was because they had built a habit of communicating from the surface. And they had forgotten that there was anywhere else to communicate from. This example reflects most of the relationship problems. Communication being at the talking level, not a deeper level.

Now, I want to give you a way of thinking about communication that will be very helpful. And I want you to understand that there are four level of communication. The first is the logistic level, the schedule, the kids, the bills, the plans. Most couples spend most of their communication time here at this level.

There is nothing wrong with this level. It is necessary, but it’s not intimacy. Now, the second level is the emotional level. There is where you tell each other what you are feeling, not what you are thinking.

What you are feeling. I am tired. I’m scared. I miss you.

I am proud of you. I am angry with you. These are not opinions. They are weather reports from the inside.

Most couples touch this level occasionally, but not often. And many couples never quite let themselves stay there long. Now, the third one is the somatic level. This is what your bodies are saying to each other.

The hand that reaches for the other in the night. The way you turn toward each other when you walk into a room. The breath that softens when you finally see each other after a hard day. Now, this level is communication without words.

It is often the truest of all. And the fourth one, that is the soul level. This is where you tell each other who you are and your souls are recognizing each other. What you are becoming, what is calling you, what is alive in you that has no other name.

Now, this level is rare. It is not rare because it is precious, it is rare because it’s risky. To speak from this level, you must believe that you can be seen, hear, and still be loved. A relationship that lives mostly on the first level will function, but it will not feel intimate.

A relationship that includes the second and the third levels will feel close and alive. Now, a relationship that occasionally reaches the fourth level will be among the most extraordinary experiences of your life. So, why do we not communicate at a deeper level? The answer is simple.

We learned from early that being honest had consequences. In our childhoods, in our previous relationships, in the families we grew up in, we received feedback about what was safe to say. And we learned, often without knowing we are learning, to keep certain things to ourselves. And then, we brought those habits into our adult relationships, and we wonder why we do not feel close.

What blocks real communication is not lack of skill, it is fear. Fear of being judged, fear of being misunderstood, fear of conflict, fear of being too much or not enough or wrong. Fear that if we really say what is true, the other person will leave. Most communication problems are not communication problems.

They are protection problems. And if I could give you only one practice for deepening communication in your closest relationships, it would be this. Speak the truth that is one layer deeper than what you usually say. You do not need to dive to the bottom of the ocean.

You do not need to confess everything at once. You only need to take one step closer to what is actually true for you. If you would usually say, “I’m fine.” try “I am tired today.” If you would usually say, “Nothing is wrong.” try “I am a little sad and I don’t know why yet, but I’m trying to figure it out.” If you would usually say, “I love you.” try “I am grateful you are mine.” Now, these are small steps. They don’t feel revolutionary in the moment, but they accumulate.

And over time your relationship becomes a place where the truth has been welcomed again and again until eventually it becomes the language you speak together. Now, Brene Brown has a phrase that fits perfectly here. Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. So much of what we think is protecting our partner is actually keeping them at a distance.

The clearer you can be gently loving without weaponizing the truth, the more your partner can actually meet you. Before I close today, three things to take with you. The first, when something is true, say it. Not everything, not at once, but when you notice a truth rising in you, in your relationship, do not silence it.

The cost of swallowing your truth over time is the relationship itself. The second, ask better questions. How are you gets you almost nothing. What is alive in you today opens a door.

How is your heart lands differently than how is your day? Curiosity is communication. And the third, let your body talk. A held hand says more than a thousand words.

A long look across the dinner table can communicate what an hour of explaining cannot. Trust your body, use it. It speaks the truth before you do. Now, if you have been feeling lonely in relationship where you talk all the time, you are not alone.

Communication is not noise, it is meeting. And meeting requires that someone show up. You can be the one who arrives first. You can be the one who one small truth at a time begins to teach your relationship that the truth is welcome here.

Now, at LOV Association and KinK Academy, we hold space for people who are learning to communicate from a deeper levels, from the body, from the soul, from the places that has been wanting to be heard for a long time. And I will leave the link in the notes. If you want to join our community or read our blog, join our events or workshops, you are very welcome. Now, take a deep breath with me.

Inhale. And exhale. And ask yourself quietly, “What is one true thing I have not said?” Thank you for being here with me. This is Frequency of Love, and my name is Mistress Anna.

And I will meet you again in the next conversation.